Great Accomplishments

I have given myself open heart surgery while on anesthetics. I have sailed the world on a cardboard boat. I have split a diamond in two, with my teeth. Calculation never made a hero, being fascinating did. I find lemons sour, but lemons find me sweet. I scaled the Empire state building in 4 minutes and 35 seconds with just duct tape and a safety pin.

Fighting in the First World War was my fifth greatest accomplishment, number one was resurrecting Jesus, two was inventing the wheel, three was discovering how to make fire and four was painting the Mona Lisa. Ask me what I do for a living, I will reply with “everything”. I was the pilot of the flight that landed safely on the Hudson River in Manhattan. The captain of the RMS Carpathia, which saved the 705 people on the titanic who didn’t drown, that was me.

Mickey Mouse was created by Walt Disney, guess who created Walt Disney, Me. Harry Potter, best known wizard of all time, J.K. Rowling got the story from me, and it was all my idea. Most people get pulled over for speeding; I get pulled over for being interesting. When I go to Rome, the Romans do as I do. I starred in the movies Avatar, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Hunger Games, and Citizen Kane.

When I smoke, I give the cigarette cancer. My mom said I be famous when pigs fly, well guess what, Swine Flu. Hitler didn’t commit suicide, I assassinated him. Everyday I walk on water, fly to the moon, and eat poisonous wild berries. People say they talk to god, I know that’s false, I don’t remember talking to them before. I have been to other galaxies, but I have not yet gone to university.